Thank you for writing this piece. I teach in NJ and Southern PA and I also have my students read material that is “unconventional” per their usual academic readings. I double majored in Women’s and Gender Studies and English and I now teach college freshman. I feel it is my obligation to show them the world outside of their neat bubbles. I don’t mean to burst their bubbles, or maybe I do, but I feel like they benefit from seeing how Other people live even if it is through a fictional representation. This semester, we read works from Junot Diaz, Naomi Shibab Nye, Suheir Hammad, and Sapphire. They were both horrified and fascinated by Push. They, too, shared stories about their experiences with the subjects the literature presented. I invited them to do so because I created a safe space for all of us to learn and share. I am happy to see I am not the only one who does this.

A purity pledge – whether it is of the type that one draws up, signs, and announces/celebrates publicly or are of the type that one holds secretly in one’s heart, such as a principle or religious belief, are – in my opinion – not healthy nor do they “work”.

Just such a principled religious belief has lead me to hastily and carelessly marry and has also lead me to hastily (and perhaps carelessly) divorce a man – all out of the desire, guilt and shame associated with holding and trying to keep that pledge.

I have opted out of this pledge and adopted a clause, much like the Hippocratic Oath to “do no harm”. This has been much more healthy, and healing, for me.

Fatima

I, too, grew up in a world where I was taught that sex was only for marriage. The guilt associated with sex was high-pressure. I signed a purity pledge (True Love Waits) when I was in high school and was very serious about it. It was my father (ironically) who found out about it when I was 18 and said…”Listen Kell, I understand your intent here, but I want you to seriously reconsider your decision. You should never be ashamed of being a sexual creature or your body and any god (or potential spouse) that has an issue with that is not something to hold in any sort of regard. Be considerate however and make sure that any partner you take is someone you would seriously consider as a spouse (even if it is a fleeting thought) and could handle (where applicable) as a parent to any potential offspring or giver of any diseases.” That advice helped diffuse the taboo of sex in my life, but also helped me understand and ready me to take the responsibility of having sex. I am lucky to have a healthy approach towards sex and still feel comfortable getting advice from both parents when I come across issues.

Wow. I am in my 60s and the story you tell is so very similar to my own. It was the 60′s and I was very political so sex was also a political act, albeit a pleasant one. Although I am grateful for the rights we gained then I sometimes wondered, especially when my sons were in their teens, if some inhibition might not be productive for both women AND men. Some of the parties they went to (and left) were pretty debauched.

I spent several years in and out of high schools and found the same thing then – girls weren’t any more in control of their bodies than we had been. The “modern” pressure to “hook up” was just as painful as the antiquated pressures you and I knew.

I’m sure we’ll find a median some day but sexual freedom, especially for younger people, isn’t always free at all. I can’t believe I’m writing this but I have seen so many jaded and sad adolescents — not that “purity” would have made them any happier. I’m just saying that if a young woman isn’t proud of who she is and strong enough to take control of her fate she is vulnerable either way. We need to raise our daughters and sons to put respect first in both directions.

You are a magnificent and honest writer. Thank you for this post.

Another great post, Mona – thank you ! Also very impressed that you are posting it from the future – it’s dated 3 January 2011. I think all your commitments and your best writing come from a future that is a world that works for everyone.

I was a 1970s feminist. The two most common slogans at the time were “The Personal is Political” (thak you Gloria Steinem) and “Take Back the Night” – for me they are still just as valid.

As an active young woman in a new (British) women’s movement, trying to find the balance between personal (sexual) freedom and cultural pressure wasn’t easy. My generation was the first to have easy access to contraception. The removal of the fear of pregnancy didn’t make the decision to have sex any easier. So many women I know regret the decisions they made when they first had sex (fortunatel not me though !).

Great post Mona. I wish we could find some balance in this world. Cynthia’s comment was great too.

I grew up in the 1960s, the eldest child of two parents who wanted to throw off the conservative restraints of their parents.

Parental nudity, talk of sex fairly early, being given condoms in Christmas stockings at 12, being fitted for a diaphragm at 14, I was taught that boundary-less sex was fun, carefree and the only way to live. I had no rules and was the envy of my friends.

It about killed my soul. Diseased my body. Warped my sense of worth. By 19.

No one told me that sex was more than pleasurable exercise, that it was the most vulnerably intimate human of connections. Of it’s potential for manipulation and misuse at the hands of men who knew how to play it as a game and call it ‘gender equality’.

When I became a person of faith, I took my own pledge of celibacy, and it was seven years of learning who I was apart from my sexuality. It wasn’t dead,just subliminated until its worth was matched by commitment. I channeled that sexual energy into humanitarian projects, and it was good. My husband and I waited until our wedding night, and have shared memories of sexual discovery that light fires decades later.

“But [US playwright] Eve Ensler said that when you sign a pledge to your father, your sexuality is being taken away from you until you sign it to your husband when you get married.”

Disagree. A celibacy pledge empowers you as a woman as the one making your own sexual choices. No one is taking it.

Great article. Very insightful and relevant for any age. I’m in my mid-twenties and come from a fairly liberal Muslim sect yet, sex is considered to be something to you don’t speak about. It was only once I befriended people outside of my faith that I learned how to be open about it and not feel ashamed.

I fear that its far too often put into the category of being something not talked about or minimally talked about that lets a lot of young women, and possibly young men, feel like its not something they should discuss or be open about. This is quite unfortunate considering that its a natural part of everyone’s lives. All we have to do is make wise decisions about who we choose as partners.

Its also about self-awareness. If one signs a purity pledge physically, then they are tied down to adhering to it based on their commitment seen by others. But if one personally, internally, commits to purity till marriage/engagement etc, then its their own convictions, with lesser guilt, that they can decide when to break the pact. Having sex shouldn’t involve guilt imposed my family or anyone else. Its such a personal thing that it ought to be one’s one conviction/choice and the person they choose to be with.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and your generous sharing of your stories and experience. I am honoured by your generosity and support.

Many thanks.

[...] Mona Eltahawy on why Oklahoma felt like the Middle East to her. [...]

What wonderful and insightful comments!

I am someone who waited until marriage to have sex and I am 100% happy that I did. But I also acknowledge that it is a personal choice, for me based in personal conviction, and that why is a pledge between a father and a daughter is a little disturbing to me. I did make a “pledge,” I suppose, but it was between me and God, and later on I discussed it with the man I went on to marry.

While I am happy with my own choice, I have decided to be very careful not to pressure my own children into half-heartedly committing to something they do not personally believe is what’s best for them. I hope to be able to share my experience with them (when they are old enough) but also to be open with them so that if “waiting” is not what they choose, then they will have the resources to be responsible and safe.

I DO think, however, that a focus on “virginity” for young women sexualizes them more, not less. This idea of having a hymen or not having one as making someone more or less “pure” is ridiculous, and making a pledge with one’s father instead of oneself is, in my opinion, pointless. I do think that sexual experiences past and present affect us, whatever our decisions. But making our own decisions as women and not being tied to seeing sex as shameful nor as something to be taken lightly are both healthy.

Dearest Mona,
I am terribly sorry to be responding to your article at this late date, but I have been pondering it for some time now. I have been questioning my allergic *defensive and egocentric* reaction to the mentioning of purity balls in your class.
I will begin by saying, the students in your class were unlike the majority of women in my life- definitely not representative of typical Oklahoma premarital sex ideology. Many women here announce with pride that they pledged their virginity to their fathers, as their churches embrace them wholeheartedly. The student that spoke up showed courage by opening herself up to potential judgment and criticism from fellow students. I wish that I had had that courage, not only in your classroom, but throughout my life as well.
I am the contrast of that student, the other story. I am the Christian girl from Oklahoma who chose premarital sex at age 15. “Sex makes you feel bad and is a ticket to hell”-education on board, I was cut off from any kind of adult emotional support. One adult, a teacher, apparently knew that I was having sex, but used it as an opportunity to ostracize me at my Christian school, giving others reason to judge me.
Sadly, if this teacher had taken the opportunity to care for and talk to me about sex (instead of judging and punishing me), it’s possible she would have learned that the sex I was having was not sex at all. It was rape. It took me no less than 17 years to label my rapes and to freely admit to myself and others that what had happened, repeatedly, was rape. I know now that it is not okay for a guy to choke his girlfriend, forcing her to submit to sex with him. If a guy were to ever hold me down in the backseat of his friend’s car and make me have sex with him, while his friends were in the front seat driving, I would not hesitate to call the police. At least, at this point in my life.
You see, I personally hold things like purity balls and judgmental, “Christian” authority figures somewhat accountable for my lack of sex education and the “faulty” product of that education.
The student that spoke up was the shining product of the purity ball scenario. She was an inspiration. I am, on the other hand, the disgraceful, silent product of purity balls. I am here too, and I think I’m not alone. I should have said something at both times in my life.
But, your class has inspired me, and made me a stronger person. It inspired me to shed my shame, to realize that I needed to talk about it in order to heal and to help other girls who are in my situation. It saddens me that a number of the women in my life have experienced some type of sexual assault, but are too ashamed to speak of it. (I make them a little uncomfortable I think.)
My sexuality has been slapped around a little, but I am finally free to discuss it with people- with no shame. It is my hope, that my ability to talk about it may help another “faulty” girl feel a little less “faulty.” I thank you for the courage I have found to let it all out.

Very Truly Yours,
Tommi

You are an assett to women’s rights, but when is anybody going to address the barbaric practices that MiddleEastern men carry out on their women? ie Stoning for one…

Sincerest Regards.
Sommiya

Very personal and revealing epistle Mona. Would love to direct my female Omani students’ attention to it to spark their critical thinking skills but to do so would probably cost me my job. Here in Oman young women are guarded by their male relatives until they are married off.

i completely disagree with this post,we (as muslims and arabs) have our own culture,privacy and our own definition of freedom,i dont have to have sex before marriage to feel and prove that i’m free,my freedom is to choose what i want to do,to chose to be veiled and to be proud of it,my freedom is to choose and select who is gonna see me and see my body and who i’m willing to give my life for..
as a muslim,i don’t see that sex before marriage is that much of an issue not like in western culture that defines your freedom by how much you show from your body,i’m completely covered and that’s freedom!!
men have to see me and respect me for who i am not how i look,and that’s the beauty of our religion we are special and if any man wants to really be with you he has to make an effort,in fact i see myself as a queen!

This is a very powerful piece, I am just sorry that you were labelled with the word “fornicator.” It’s funny because we always have those people who are just so sure of the truth they tend to speak condescendingly to those who dont uphold to the “true path,” it’s funny though because their need to do so is driven by their own insecurities. Sex isn’t as black and white as people make it seem, and as a muslim I understand the importance of upholding your purity, but at the same time how exteremely difficult and frustrating it may be. Sometimes, we just give in, and sometimes we fight it, but at the end of the day our mistakes or our choices that can be frowned upon dont determine who we are or our substance as women.

Mona, You wrote: “… but then it took forever to get married and I got fed up waiting.”. Lots of women in their twenties make this mistake and in most cases forfeit their chance for happiness. /Happiness is the satisfaction of the Soul/

Were you in love, when you got fed up waiting ?

If yes, then your soul should be all right. But…. there is here this “I got fed up waiting” morsel that makes me think otherwise. If you would have been in love, you should not have been fed up waiting. So, even if you were in love that was a one sided one, that would not resulted in marriage. If you were in love without reciprocation and you gave up your virginity in those circumstances your soul still should be alright for now.

If not, then you know anyway, that you did not make the right decision and you already lived through its bad consequences.
May be the crying in the hotel room was an indication of it ??

Your voice is a very unique one. Fresh, honest, true, genuinely human. Please, keep writing!

Thanks a lot for being who you are.

Thank you for your honesty and candor. I could just hug you!I am reminded when my partents found out I was living with my boyfriend at college. What a nightmare! My father actually was the one who was calm. His only question was if we were using birth control and what kind. My mother commenced to calling me every name in the book, of which “sperm bank” was the least offensive. I am now in my fifties, married, and she still hasn’t finished her vituperative tirade. Sigh.

You are one sick lady!! Are you a muslim? Discussing fornication publicly. Ya-Allahhhhhh

This is another clear sign of the times.
Not only have you know encoraged muslim girls to fornicate but take of the hijabb
Fear Allah

Sick lady